Crackaliciousness
by calciseptine
Summary: Iruka/Kakashi, Naruto/Sasuke. In which the powers of fanfiction are grossly abused.


**Story Title**: Crackaliciousness  
**Rated**: R/M  
**Pairings**: Iruka/Kakashi, Naruto/Sasuke, various  
**Disclaimer**: _Naruto _© Kishimoto Masashi, _FullMetal Alchemist _© Arakawa Hiromu, _Harry Potter_ © J.K. Rowling  
**Summary**: After one boring, rainy afternoon in the real world, Steveness sat down to write a story. The powers of fanfiction were grossly abused.  
**Steve's Notes**: Everyone needs a parody. I am no exception.  
**Warnings**: Language, OOCness, sex, and a variety of other unmentionables.  
**Formal Apology**: I'm terribly sorry for all the crossover, self-insertion writers I will bash. Some of you are good. Most of you suck.

* * *

Sparkles.

Pink, shimmering, fucking sparkles. Iruka wondered for a moment if Kakashi had borrowed them from a certain well-muscled army official before deeming this impossible seeing as he told his agent that he _refused_ to do any more crossovers after his current project. The last one involved far too many plot holes for his taste and he had twisted his ankle after stepping in one, only to be found by a nukenin female no older than nineteen with a bust that would have put Tsunade-sama's to shame. She had come onto him, proclaiming her undying love for him even though it was terribly obvious he was _gay_ and that they had only known each other for a grand total of _three minutes_.

"Kakashi," Iruka urgently poked his bedmate in the ribs with a finger as the sparkles threatened to come in closer. "Kakashi, wake up. I think Armstrong's sparkles found us."

The silver-haired jounin looked up blearily from his pillow, blinking once or twice at the sparkle that settled itself on his nose. "Oh," he slurred, unintentionally brushing it away when he reached up to stifle a yawn. It buzzed a curse. "Aren't those supposed to appear only when I claim your virginity or something?"

Iruka waved at the sparkles that hovered around him, his eyebrows brought together in irritation. "They're a little too late, don't you think? Besides, I thought they were only attracted to extreme bouts of manliness." The chuunin didn't bother to eye the bunny slippers near the fireplace. A sharp nip to his earlobe brought him swiftly back to their alternate reality set, and he cried out in surprise. "Gah, I think one just bit me!"

"Those things can't possibly bite you Iruka. They have no teeth." No sooner did the words leave Kakashi's mouth then one nipped his cheek. "Fuck that _hurt_!" he snarled, and reached out with his ninja quick reflexes to squish the pink sparkle between his thumb and forefinger. It made a rather pathetic whining noise before popping from existence. The rest of the sparkles began to shimmer violently.

"Oh great." Iruka rolled his eyes. "Now you've done it."

There was something vaguely humiliating about being caught running from one's bedchambers in only boxers, especially when being chased by a flurry of pink sparkles that hummed like a fleet of angry hornets. Fortunately they were saved by a cry of _"Stupefy!"_, and Kakashi looked at his lover with a blank expression on his face that clearly said 'Well we could have done _that_.' except that they couldn't have really, seeing as their wands had been conveniently forgotten in their mad dash to safety. (That, and their predicament lent itself to steady plot progression.)

"Professor Umino? Professor Hatake?" The sixth year Slytherin that had saved them tucked her holly wand into her robe pocket, a look of calm on her face despite their lack of undress, which was normally enough to send any female into a fit of convulsions and cooing. Iruka supposed he should be glad that she didn't coddle him like she normally did, but he had a sneaking suspicion that she somehow had a hand in all this. (She always _did_.) "Why were Armstrong's pink sparkles chasing you?" Then, under her breath, "They weren't supposed to chase you, damnit."

"Kakashi killed one," Iruka accused straight out, pointing a finger at the slightly taller man as if that explained everything. Not that she didn't already know, but the point was moot; something about evolving the plot within the reader's scope, and how it couldn't be accomplished if he didn't let up and say his lines. (Iruka made a mental note to find a new agent—this one was a tad too maniacal for his tastes.) "We woke up and they were hovering over our bed."

"Ah," The girl waved her hand dismissively at them, pretending not to notice when Kakashi unsuccessfully tried to bite Iruka's condemning finger. "Now professors, you know better than to antagonize Armstrong's sparkles when they're trying to get you to profess your undying love for one another."

"We already did profess our undying love, Steve-_sama_," Kakashi stated as he crossed his arms across his rugged, masculine chest in his irritation. "You made us do that in chapter eleven, remember? Just after we walked in on Sirius and Remus, making us realize that we too had undying passion for one another." The ninja paused there and cocked an eyebrow. "I thought the script said that guy was supposed to be dead."

"Not dead, just hopelessly floating around in the Darkness. Besides, have you seen what a celibate Remus and a still dead Sirius does to the reviews?" The girl clicked her tongue at the grumpy jounin. "So shut up, Kashi-kun, and go make desperate love to your one and only before I abuse the god-like powers fanfiction has bestowed upon me any further. And I mean now, or you'll be blue-balling it all the way through chapter fifteen when Ruru finds out about what you did in chapter nine."

"Chapter nine?" Iruka, who was trying to ignore his agent's awful pet name for him, looked at his lover, who was suddenly very aware that Iruka's ass looked absolutely perky and delicious in his strawberry print boxers. "But Steve-sama, that's when Kakashi proposed Fantasy 11-C ™. What is—"

But his train of thought was interrupted when five-feet eleven-inches of out-of-character man-lovin' wrestled him into the rather convenient Room of Requirement, which had appeared as soon as Steve had planted horribly cliché scenarios into Kakashi's mind. Steve, who ignored the display of affection, waved her wand at the suspended pink sparkles. They immediately disappeared—presumably to return to Armstrong and his mighty manliness—leaving the teenager to her own devices and, unfortunately, her boredom.

"Well now," she stated to the empty air as though someone were listening. "Let's go see how Naruto and Sasuke are getting on with Hermione's love advice—chapter sixteen in the broom shed sounds good. Then maybe we'll pay a visit to Severus and see how handsome he's become now that he's a vampire… I wonder if he's ready for his love interest…"

And with that, Steveness continued down the corridor, ready to spread the joys of sweet, sweet man love and the misuse of semicolons to the rest of the world. Ah, life was good.

* * *

...to be continued...?


End file.
